


Like glitter and gold

by wildlingoftarth



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Beards, Crack, F/M, Glitter Lube, Humor, Oral Sex, it's a thing, this is so embarrassing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:06:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28111374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildlingoftarth/pseuds/wildlingoftarth
Summary: A sexy gift goes awry.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Comments: 34
Kudos: 107





	Like glitter and gold

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a conversation about glitter lube capsules (WHICH ARE A REAL THING) on the JB Transformative Werk discord and dedicated to the filthy minds over there. Also inspired by a non-sex-related glitter beard incident suffered by my husband. Pure unbeta’d crack.
> 
> Title is from the song “Glitter & Gold” by Barns Courtney

“What. In the world. Did you send me.”

Margaery barked out a laugh from the other end of FaceTime. “So you got our care package?”

Brienne looked around at the various items she’d just pulled out of the box and arranged in front of her on her bed. “I did...but I don’t even know what half of these things are.” She held up something that looked like a candy ring pop made of jiggly blue silicone and threw it with a shriek when it started buzzing unexpectedly. “You and Sansa had entirely too much fun at the sex shop.”

“Think of it as an early bachelorette gift. Just a few things to spice up your love life once you become a boring old married woman.”

“Excuse me, YOU have been a boring old married woman for two years.”

“Exactly. Which is how I know you might need something fun to pull out of the drawer every once in a while.”

“A riding crop? Really?” Brienne held it up and smacked the phone with it.

Margaery raised an eyebrow and shrugged. “Don’t knock it until you try it.”

Brienne picked up a clear plastic tube of what looked like large, sparkly pills and inspected it. 

“Glitter lube capsules!” Margaery exclaimed. “You stick one inside you and then it dissolves and makes you all sparkly.”

“Why would I want my vagina to be sparkly?”

“Why not? Pussy is magical. It should look like it, don't you think?”

Brienne laughed despite herself and covered her face. “Oh, my gods. Well, thank you very much for thinking of me during your sex shop escapade. I can’t wait to see you for the bachelorette party. Just please tell me you’re not hiring a stripper.”

Margaery shook her head. “No strippers. But I do expect a full review of all of the items in that box. You have a month – better get to it.”

“Okay, okay,” Brienne said, knowing when to surrender to her incredibly stubborn friend. “I promise I’ll at least give them a try.”

“Have fun!” Margaery said a little too giddily. “See you soon!”

***

Brienne didn’t end up regretting her promise to Margaery too much – some of the items in the box made it into her and Jaime’s regular repertoire (the vibrating bullet and the blindfold coming out as clear favorites), some were put away for occasional use, and just a few were firm no’s (the ball gag being one of them). 

By the week of her bachelorette party, there was only one thing she hadn’t gotten around to trying – the glitter lube. She knew Margaery better than to lie to her about using it, and Brienne was a terrible liar besides, so a few days before the party, she decided to go for it. 

_Add that sparkle to playtime!_ read the instructions. _Insert one capsule into the vagina up to two hours before the fun time begins. Natural, vegan, body-safe, food-grade._

Brienne laughed a little to herself at the ridiculousness of this situation, but she had to admit she was a little curious. She usually got home an hour before Jaime did, so she planned to put one in after work and get Jaime riled up with sexy texts throughout the day. 

It worked – when he walked through the door that evening, he dropped his briefcase, shrugged out of his jacket, and practically jumped on her, dragging her to the bedroom while shedding clothes.

“What got into you today,” he murmured between open-mouthed kisses to her neck.

“I have a surprise for you,” she replied, pulling her pants and underwear off and laying back on the bed with her legs spread.

Jaime kneeled between her legs and looked down.

“Is that…”

“Glitter,” Brienne said, unable to suppress her chuckle.

Jaime raised an eyebrow. “Another one of Margaery’s gifts?”

“The last one.”

He dipped a finger inside her and brought it up to his face, studying it.

“It certainly is sparkly.”

“And it’s food-grade,” Brienne said with a smirk. “Apparently it tastes like strawberries.”

Jaime smirked right back. “Only one way to find out,” he said, and dove between her legs. 

***

“Brie,” Jaime called from the bathroom, sounding slightly panicked. “I thought you said that glitter stuff was body-safe?”

“It’s supposed to be,” Brienne called back. “Why?”

“Well, apparently it’s not beard-safe because it will _not_ come out!”

Brienne rushed into the bathroom where Jaime had just gotten out of the shower, a towel wrapped low around his waist. He turned to face her, and she covered her mouth to suppress the guffaw of laughter that threatened to escape. His beard and mustache looked like a disco ball, silver sparkles embedded in the coarse hairs. The light caught the glitter every time he moved and reflected brightly against the dark blonde of his beard. 

“It’s not funny! I can’t go out to dinner looking like this!”

“I’m sorry,” Brienne said, a laugh still stuck in her throat. “But it’s just Marge and Sansa. They really want to see you while they’re in town for the party.”

“I look ridiculous.”

“You look...like a man who knows how to please a woman. And you _do_ please me.” She pressed a hand to his bare chest and kissed him, some of the tension melting out of his body.

“Fine. I’ll go. But we are never using this glitter shit again.”

Brienne laughed and kissed him again. “Deal.”

While he got dressed for dinner, Brienne re-read the instructions for the glitter capsules. _Can be used as often as you like and will continue to sparkle for up to 3 days after being inserted!_

She cringed to herself and hid the instructions away. He didn’t need to know that part...but at least Margaery would have proof her gifts were put to good use. 


End file.
